TIME WARPED
“10,000 B.C.”
Directed by Roland Emmerich, Written by Emmerich and Harald Kloser
Stars: Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, Cliff Curtis
Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense action and violence, 109 minutes.

It’s been stated that to be a successful artist in Hollywood, you have to have an eye for talent and a vision all your own.  Talent and vision are two words that should never be spoken when it comes to the films of Roland Emmerich.  He has a talent all right, but it’s for aping other, better filmmakers’ movies. And his eye is not rooted in a vision, but on a bottom line.  Universal Soldier, Stargate, Independence Day, Godzilla, and The Day After Tomorrow; as a director’s resume, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bigger embarrassment of box office riches and creative bankruptcy in my moviegoing life. 

Now along comes 10,000 B.C. which is yet another bloated, silly Emmerich film that is nothing more than a retread of Apocalypto and 300, two films that are superior in every way.  The story follows a group of tribesmen and their women who are getting set for their final hunt of the season: the taking down a giant woolly mammoth.  This opening sequence contains enough impressive CGI work to merit praise; unfortunately, just about everything else that follows merits (and invites) ridicule. 

From the awful wigs and costumes to the English language spoken by all the “civilized” ancient tribes, 10,000 B.C. could almost qualify as the year’s best unintentional comedy if it weren’t for the fact that the film is also borderline racist.  There’s a nearby tribe of African people (what continent is this film set on anyway?) who look only to the nearest white man to lead them out of slavery; what exactly was Emmerich thinking when he wrote that little plot nugget? Not stopping there, he also introduces a little xenophobia by making it very easy for us to pick out the villains in the film; they wear pointy helmets, have Mongoloid features, and speak in subtitles.  

These warriors ride into the peaceful village and wreak havoc; they kidnap men and women (including the fetching Camilla Belle), chain them together, and force them on a long journey towards the “City of the Gods”, a desert oasis where giant temples and pyramids are being built.  It’s up to the small band of tribesmen, led by D’Leh (Steven Strait), to travel on the rugged journey, aided by neighboring tribes, to fight the oppressive warriors and set their people free.

10,000 B.C. is really nothing more than a drawn-out chase film much like Apocalypto, but without that film’s exciting pace, suspense, and loopy sense of humor.  Say what you want about Mel Gibson, but at least he knows how to make an entertaining movie with interesting, memorable characters.  And unlike Gibson’s pet Mayan project, there is nothing interesting going on in 10,000 B.C.; even if we could take away at least some visual splendor (save for that opening Woolly Mammoth sequence, you don’t), there’s no one to really care about.

Granted, Emmerich has a rather simple plot to hang his action sequences on, but his writing is so simplistic, his characters might as well hang neon signs on themselves: “HERO”, “VILLAIN”, “LOVE INTEREST”, “OLD WISE MAN”, “OLD WISE WITCH”.  In fact, Emmerich seems to have written the script (along with co-conspirator Harald Kloser) as a mere outline on which he could hang his big set-piece scenes that seem to have been lifted from other (and much better) films.

Not just Apocalypto, but 300 (a saber-toothed tiger makes only a perfunctory cameo appearance despite what the misleading trailer might have you believe) and even Jurassic Park (A ludicrous scene involving giant, predatory birds chasing the tribesmen and warriors in tall grass recalls the famous raptor sequences).  But even here, Emmerich drops the ball.  His action scenes, whether it was due to bad weather or bad directing, are sorely lacking any kind of creative and visceral punch.

Roland Emmerich is nothing more than a modern-day Ed Wood with a big budget.  His films are just as awkward and silly, filled with terrible dialogue and simple characterizations. But unlike the late, pathetic Z-movie director (whose life story was made into a great film by Tim Burton), Emmerich has an all-too-willing audience eager to line up for his cinematic monstrosities.  At least poor Ed Wood had a vision, no matter how crazy and inept it was; he had plenty of passion but lacked talent.

In Hollywood these days, though, you don’t need to be intelligent or terribly creative to keep working; you just need to make money.  It’s become the medium not of filmmakers who think and create like artists, but of hack directors like Emmerich who think like accountants.